Precipitation Technology

We can send people to the moon, perform heart transplants and even cram days’ worth of music into a thin strip of metal. So why is it that humans have not been able to come up with something more advanced than The Umbrella?

Sure, The Umbrella is an advancement compared to its predecessor, The Newspaper. However, stripped down to its basic parts, the technology of The Umbrella is: 1. Stick. 2. Cloth. That’s about as advanced as the basic toothbrush — Stick. Bristles. But even the toothbrush has seen some updated technologies over the years and is now motorized and practically cleans your teeth without you having to lift a finger.

My problem with The Umbrella is that it only accomplishes about half of what it’s supposed to do — keeping you dry. For starters, it may keep your head dry, but your feet are another story. In fact, pretty much everything from the waist down doesn’t get covered by most umbrellas. Plus, all the rain that’s not hitting you on the head is rolling down your umbrella and landing on your back, or in my case, my butt. Because that’s where I really want to have a wet spot.

Then there’s the whole issue of opening and closing them. Even the smallest umbrellas don’t fit through doorways and other narrow places, so you have to close them before entering or exiting things. All the while you’re fumbling to close it using those impossible metal things (which, by the way, I’m always terrified of pinching my fingers in), you’re getting rained on. And if you also happen to be carrying something else like coffee or a purse, well, you might as well forget about being dry. Plus, half the time when you close an umbrella, it manages to pour water all over you. So really, you’re no better off than if you hadn’t used one in the first place. In fact, you’re probably more frustrated.

And don’t even get me started on The Umbrella vs. The Wind. Guess what, Average Umbrella Manufacturer: When it’s raining outside, it’s usually because there’s a storm blowing through. And you know what storms produce other than rain? Wind. So maybe you should try to make umbrellas that don’t flip inside-out and render themselves useless whenever there’s a stiff breeze. Or maybe this is all a marketing ploy. The more our umbrellas get destroyed by the wind, the more we have to buy. Jerks.

So I’m begging all you smart folks out there, please invent something more advanced than The Umbrella. Seriously, if you come up with another technology to keep people dry in the rain that allows for free use of both their hands and doesn't require them to wear one of those stupid umbrella hats Professor Frink wears, you will surely become a millionaire. And please invent this quickly, because my shoes aren’t getting any drier.