What happened

A week from today I will be at my wedding reception. A week ago today, I was at the hospital saying goodbye to my cousin. I can’t event begin to describe the range of emotions going on inside me right now. Despair, excitement, nervousness. But mostly regret.

Chase asked if Rachel’s death was unexpected. Well, sort of. Rachel was diagnosed with leukemia about a month ago. From the beginning, the doctors were optimistic and her prognosis was good. She went through chemo, and afterward a test of her bone marrow showed that she had beat the cancer. There were no signs of leukemia in her. She was staying the hospital while she boosted up her immune system, and she was supposed to go home last Sunday. Last Thursday, she started to come down with a fever, and the doctors said she had contracted a bacterial infection. Because she had just gone through chemo and she was still recovering from leukemia, she couldn’t fight the infection on her own. By Friday, the infection had spread to her brain and she was put in an induced coma. By Saturday, she was brain dead. We all gathered at the hospital that day to say goodbye, and then they took her off life support.

So was it expected? Not really. We all knew she had leukemia, but the doctors said she was going to be OK. She was supposed to be coming home. This infection came out of nowhere.

The reason I’m filled with regret is because Rachel was in a hospital located about two blocks from my office. And in the month she spent there, I went to visit her twice (while she was conscious). Why didn’t I visit her more? I know what it’s like to live in a hospital. I know how much having a new visitor can brighten your day. I’ve been there. But I was always too busy working out, planning the wedding, going out, having fun. Meanwhile, I was missing out on the last few weeks of her life.

Rachel had a daughter in May. Right now I’d like to say that I’m not going to let the same thing happen with her. I want to be a part of that little girl’s life. But due to circumstances beyond my control, that probably won’t happen.

Instead, I’m filled with regret and with loss. And I have no way to make it better.