I am such a girl, part 2

Like most brides, I am currently trying to lose weight before my wedding. Actually, it’s not the wedding as much as the honeymoon. I’m going to be in sunny southern Spain, and I want to be in bikini-wearing shape. I’m not really on a diet though. I’m just trying to exercise more and eat better. More veggies and whole grains. Less fried cheese.

It’s been going pretty well so far. Since beginning my “diet” a month ago, I’ve lost about seven pounds. However, until this weekend, I was pretty sure all seven pounds came out of my boobs. But then on Saturday, I tried on my skinny jeans ... And they fit. I could even sit down in them without passing out. I decided to celebrate this success on Saturday night by drinking heavily (yes, I fell off the wagon) and staying out until 6 a.m. (damn daylight savings).

On Sunday, my weight-loss-induced high continued when I went to my sister’s to hang out with my nephew and grandparents. I happily told the grandmas about my success, and they told me they were also trying to lose weight before my wedding. They’re both pretty thin, and in their 70s and 80s, and on Wednesday, they both became great-grandparents. Yet they feel the need to lose weight. That’s when I realized that just like my mother and grandmothers, my unhappiness with my body was going to last for the rest of my life.

Until yesterday I had accepted, although didn’t agree with, the fact that society pressures teenagers, young women and middle-aged women to be thin. I had no idea that pressure extended to seniors. Granted, I’m glad they’re trying to eat well and stay healthy. But they both rattled off how many pounds they’ve lost and how many more they want to lose. Why is this necessary? They both gave birth to multiple children and raised huge families. They should be able to eat whatever the hell they want.

I wish I could say that after this realization, I gave up my diet and decided to just be happy with the skin I’m in. Instead, I tallied up my calories for the day and scolded myself for drinking non-diet pop. The truth is, I will always be unhappy with my body, whether I lose weight or not. I’m too short, I’ve got a big nose, my chin is too small, I’ve got scars on my legs, and screwed up feet, and discolored skin from years of bad acne. And no matter what I do, those imperfections will always be there. My weight is the only thing I can control. So I’ll keep on eating Lean Cuisine and drinking diet Pepsi and working out as much as possible. Once again, I’d like to think I’m not like most girls, but the truth is, I am.