The Tale of Baby, Gadda-Gah, The Moaner and Mr. Shut Up

I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately. A strange cast of characters in my neighborhood has been keeping me up. The past week has been one of those stranger-than-fiction kinds of weeks, and I’m not happy about it.

Usually I’m a very heavy sleeper. I can easily sleep through normal urban noises, ambulances and even tornado sirens. And other than these sounds, my neighborhood is fairly quiet. It can get a little rowdy during the Gay Pride Parade and North Halsted Market Days, but for the most part, it’s pretty quiet. That’s one of the things that drew us to this area: we’re within walking distance of the Wrigleyville bars, but we’re far enough away that we don’t have to deal with frat boys passed out on the front lawn.

However, not long after we moved in, we met Baby and her crazy owner. Baby is one of those tiny, fluffy ankle-biter-type dogs. Every morning at the crack of dawn, Baby and her crazy owner make their way down the corridor between my apartment complex and the one next door. Our bedroom window faces this corridor. This is unfortunate because the crazy lady doesn’t actually walk Baby. Instead, she’s sends Baby scampering down the corridor with her leash attached. At the end of this leash is a metal handle, which clangs upon the cement as Baby runs along (I can only assume to poor dog is trying to run away from this noisy metal object). So every morning, just as it’s getting light outside, I awake to the sound of metal scraping along cement, a yelping dog and the crazy lady calling “Ba-beeee.” (By the way, I call her crazy because everyday Chris runs into her when he’s walking Rosie, and everyday she asks what Rosie’s name is. Everyday. We’ve lived here for eight months, and she still can’t remember Rosie’s name.)

Since moving in, I’ve gotten used to Baby’s run. It still wakes me up every morning, but now it’s like a little alarm clock letting me know that I need to get up in an hour. It’s annoying, but I can excuse someone making this kind of racket during daylight hours. What I cannot excuse are the people who make noise in the middle of the night. People like Gadda-Gah.

Gadda-Gah first appeared about two weeks ago. Around 3 in the morning one night, I heard a man yell out “Gadda Gah!” At first, I thought he yelled, “Got a Gun!” and I nearly hit the floor. However, after he continued to yell out this mantra every few minutes for the next half-hour, I realized that it was something more like “Gadda-Gah!” I don’t know what this means. I don’t know why he yells it out. I don’t know if it’s something he does in his sleep or if it’s some type assembly call he yells out to his Gadda-Gah brethren. What I do know is that it’s really fucking annoying.

But not as annoying as The Moaner. Starting Monday night around 2:30 a.m., a woman on the other side of the corridor decided to start moaning very, very loudly. Now, I’m a pretty open-minded person, and I understand that when you live in a big city, occasionally you’re going hear folks boffing. However, this particular boffing session lasted for an eternity. Every few minutes this woman would carry on these long, drawn-out moans, occasionally followed by “Wheeeee!” (I am not making this up.)

After enduring this for an hour and a half, a man in the apartment complex finally yelled out “Shut Up!” The Moaner carried on, only a bit more quietly, for another hour.

On Tuesday night, The Moaner struck again. Once again it started around 2:30 a.m. This time it lasted about 45 minutes before Mr. Shut Up yelled out “Shut up you *expletive expletive*!!!” She quieted down after that. About 20 minutes later it started raining, and subtly over the raindrops I could hear, “Gadda-Gah!”

On Wednesday night, The Moaner went at it again. This time she was only going for about 15 minutes before Mr. Shut Up yelled out, “Shut up you *expletive expletive* There’s no reason for you to moan out your window and wake up everyone else! Shut up!” She was silent after that.

Finally, last night was the first night I got some much-needed rest. I slept the whole night without any interruptions. No Moaner. No Gadda-Gah. No Mr. Shut Up. I felt refreshed when I awoke to Baby making her morning dash down the corridor. But then, while I was getting ready for work, The Moaner struck again. It was about 8 a.m., and she was still going strong when I left a half hour later. She’s probably still going now, but I really don’t care. As long as it’s not the middle of the night, I’m a happy camper. And apparently, so is she.

UPDATE (04.25.06): The Moaner returned Friday night. However, this time Mr. Shut Up threatened legal action. In his words: "I'm going to call the cops for a noise disturbance, and they're going to give you a summons for disturbing the peace!" She hasn't made a peep since then.