Politeyness

Now that I’m riding the bus to work again, I’ve returned to that unenviable position of trying to decide when to give up my seat for the elderly, crippled, pregnant or otherwise infirmed. This was never an issue when I took the train because seats on the train were a rare occurrence. On the bus, however, I almost always get a seat. I often wish that weren’t the case because of 1) the horrible guilt I feel when I’m sitting while other people are standing, and 2) the aforementioned uncomfortableness of seat-giving.

Here’s the thing: If I were a dude, this wouldn’t be a problem. Any guy can give up his seat to any woman, and it’s considered being polite or chivalrous. But when a woman gives up a seat for another woman, it gets a little dicey. For example, if I see a woman who might be pregnant, but could possibly just be heavy, do I offer my seat? On one hand, if the woman truly is pregnant, she would no doubt appreciate the chance to sit down. But what if I offer my seat to someone who looks pregnant, but is actually just overweight? Now, I’ve totally offended her because she would likely know that I thought she was pregnant when she was, in fact, just fat. This gets especially difficult to judge in the winter when trying to determine if that’s a baby bump or a pot belly under your parka is virtually impossible.

The same problem lies with giving up seats to the elderly. Now, if some blue-haired little old lady gets on the bus, giving up my seat is a no-brainer. But usually I’m faced with women who look oldish, but might actually be younger than they look. If I give up my seat, I’m essentially saying, “You look old. Unlike yourself, I am young, sprightly, in good shape and readily able to stand on a moving bus for 20 minutes. Therefore, you should take my seat.”

I was in this type of situation last night. The bus was packed when I got on and I was standing in the front by the priority seating. A few stops into the ride, the woman sitting in front of me got off. Normally, I wouldn’t even sit down at this point just so I could avoid having to make a judgment about when to give up my seat. But the bus was packed and I mostly just wanted to free up a little space, so I took a seat.

A few stops later, an oldish-looking woman got on the bus. She wasn't elderly, but she looked older. She was also carrying two bags, so I offered her my seat. She gladly took it, but after sitting for a moment, I was certain she was thinking, “Do I really look that old?”

Making matters more uncomfortable, the woman sitting next to her, after witnessing the seat transaction, said to me, “That was very nice of you.” Now I felt super uneasy. I nervously smiled and said, “Well, she was carrying a lot of bags…” Then I uncomfortably stood there and tried to find a place to look. Fortunately, it wasn’t long before the line of standers started moving toward the back of the bus and I could leave the situation.

It’s this type of scenario that gives me so much anxiety about sitting on the bus. From now on, I think I’ll just stand whenever possible just to avoid it. However, I’d like to ask all you pregnant or elderly folks out there for a favor: if you get on the bus and there aren’t any available seats, just ask for one. Seriously, people won’t be offended. In fact, they’ll probably be relieved that they don’t have to make a judgment call between fat, pregnant, wrinkled and elderly.