Slightly-after-New-Year's Resolutions

Most of my resolutions last year were too lofty, and many were difficult to quantify. And if I’ve learned anything from the past two years of corporate publishing, it’s that you can’t manage what you can’t measure. Yay metrics.

Anyway, this year I decided to make my resolutions a little more realistic and specific. So here goes:

1. Lose 10 pounds. Lose 5 of those 10 by Feb. 15 (I’m heading to Aruba for a wedding the following week.)

2. Drink at least 64 oz. of water a day. (I've already started working on this one. It has increased my bathroom usage by 33%)

3. Run a 5k in less than 30 minutes.

4. Run at least 500 miles total this year.

5. Reduce emails in inbox to less than 250.

6. Email or call at least one friend or family member other than Chris each day. (I’m horrible at keeping in touch with people.)

7. Floss daily.

8. Read at least 15 books I haven’t read before. (Cookbooks don’t count).

9. Pay off credit card debt.

10. Buy a house.

I am 28

Since I last posted, I:

- Attended the office holiday party, where I was a wee bit overserved
- Celebrated Christmas, four times
- Celebrated Chris' birthday, three times
- Celebrated my birthday, four times
- Changed the name on my driver's license
- Drove to Pennsylvania and back
- Hosted a New Year's Eve dinner party
- Ate too much and vegged on couch, too many times to count

If it hadn't been for that last point, I would say that I've been too busy to post. But, obviously, this was not the case. Just too comfortable.

My sister-in-law is coming into town tomorrow to visit for a few days. She lives in the south and has spent the last year working on a cruise ship in Hawaii. In response to her impending arrival, Chicago decided to do its best impression of itself and fall to 5 degrees outside, with a wind chill of negative 40. I predict that the constant in-law taunting of "I'm sorry it's soooo cold in Chicago, because my tulips are blooming in North Carolina" will not end in the near future. Awesome.

Hit and Run. Literally.

On Tuesday night, I was lamenting to Chris that I’m bored with life. Nothing exciting ever happens. I go to work. Go to the gym. Go to sleep. Repeat.

I promise never to complain about boredom ever again.

On Tuesday night, Chris and I went to the gym. After our workout, we walked to back to our car, and just as Chris turned on the car — we hadn’t even put it into gear yet — we saw a car flying down the street. It hit a parked car next us, which rammed into our car, smashing the driver’s side door.

Now here’s where the story gets interesting.

Immediately after the impact, the driver of the other car (from here on, I’ll refer to him as the Bad Guy) backed up and started to speed away. And Chris — who has beat both Grand Theft Auto Vice City and San Andreas — decided to chase him.

He threw me his phone, told me to call 911, and get the guy’s license plate number. In shock, I was suddenly all thumbs and couldn’t comprehend how to even unlock Chris’ phone, let alone dial. Meanwhile, Chris was driving behind the Bad Guy. The Bad Guy drove into an industrial area full of semi trailers. He missed a turn, drove up onto a snowy area, and drove into a parked semi trailer. He got the driver’s side corner of his car pinned underneath the semi. We were immediately behind him, blocking any attempt to back out.

For a split second, we were sitting there, blocking this guy in, shining our headlights into his car, and I’m thinking, “Holy shit, he could have a gun. He could turn around right now and try to kill us.” Instead, he climbed over to the passenger side door and started to run away.

And then Chris, who suddenly decided he had superhero powers, decided to CHASE him. Meanwhile, I’m chanting Bad Guy’s license plate number out loud so I wouldn’t forget, as if it mattered. The dude just left his car with us. Not only do I have his license plate number in front of me, but there’s probably a good chance the dude doesn’t even own this car, seeing as he was so willing to leave it and all.

After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably more like 90 seconds, reality started to set in. My husband was chasing a Bad Guy through a dark, snow-covered, industrial area. The guy could have a gun, or a knife, or brass knuckles of death. He could be bludgeoning Chris right now. I needed to find him. So I turned off the car, got out and started screaming for Chris and running around aimlessly. He didn’t respond or show up for what again seemed like an eternity, but was again, probably about 90 seconds. Bad Guy got away (Thank God. Just what was Chris going to do if he caught him? Ask for his license and registration?).

So we called the cops and they came out, took our report, and towed Bad Guy’s car. The officer also tracked down the owner of the other parked car and filled him in on what happened. Because coming back to a parking lot and finding your car all smashed up really would have sucked. And that’s exactly what would have happened to us if we had left five minutes later. Instead, my husband, International Man of Mystery, chased him down and got him to at least ditch his car.

Now, I’ll be honest. Part of me thinks it’s pretty darn cool that Chris turned all vigilante. But at the same time, I could have become a widow Tuesday night. For this latter point, I did lots of scolding that night along the lines of “Never, ever, ever do that AGAIN!” followed by lots of hugs and kisses because I realized that I could have lost him, and because, well, the whole thing was sort of a turn on.

Officially Official

It only took 15 months, but I finally went down to the social security office on Tuesday to change my name. My delay has nothing to do with fear of changing my name, losing my identity or holding out just in case things didn't work out. Rather, it comes down to pure laziness. Spend a day waiting in line at the social security office, and you'll fully understand why name changers are prone to procrastination.

However, I'm sad to say that according to Professor Poopypants, I am no longer Snotty Pizzatush. I am now Snotty Chucklebuns, wife of Buttercup Chucklebuns.

NYE Hopeful

New Year’s Eve is one of those weird holidays for me. Midnight on NYE represents both a new year and my birthday. Sometimes, I’m looking forward to, or dreading, both. Over the past five years, Chris and I have spent each NYE together. Overall, I’d say they’ve been a mixed bag. Some wonderful, some not so much.

Our first NYE, ’02 into ’03, falls into the wonderful category. We spent it in Charleston, S.C. We ate at many a seafood restaurant, enjoyed rainy but warm weather, and laughed as Chris misidentified dolphins as sharks.

NYE II, ’03 into ’04, featured a tasty rack of lamb prepared at home, an exploding bottle of champagne (Chris decided to chill in the freezer. Whoops.), and me falling asleep on the couch before midnight.

NYE III, ’04 into ’05, was spent in New Orleans, with Chris’ best friend, Scott, and his shit-for-brains girlfriend. Other than the presence of the aforementioned GF, this NYE falls into the wonderful category as well.

NYE IV, ’05 into ’06, occurred at Navy Pier with my sister and brother-in-law, and featured Chris getting wasted before midnight and repeating the phrase, “Daddy’s not doing so good.”

For NYE V, ’06 into ’07, I repaid Chris for his performance the year before by making the terrible mistake of combining shots, deep-dish pizza and a dance club near Rush and Division. Some of Chris’ friends from KC came up for the night, but at the stroke of midnight, the two of us we trudging up our back staircase as Chris cursed me under his breath for needing to leave the party early. Awesome.

So this year, I’m hoping to add another NYE to the wonderful category. Problem is, I have no idea how to do that. I pretty much despise the whole club/bar party thing. I’d rather just go out to a nice restaurant with friends. But most of the restaurants I’ve found online that are hosting NYE events are ridiculously expensive. There are some pretty interesting events at bowling alleys, but again, averaging $125 per person, too expensive for the two of us. But ultimately, it probably won't matter where or how I celebrate. Considering my aversion to odd-numbered years, just knowing that 2007 has ended may be celebration enough.

Love Bavarian Style

Chris and I went to Munich on our honeymoon. Aside from the fact that Oktoberfest was originally a post-wedding celebration, I insisted we go to Bavaria for our honeymoon because I knew Chris would fall in love with it. He’s German and his love for encased meats is only slightly superceded by his love for beer.

So, when I decided recently that I needed to do something really nice for Chris simply because he’s so freaking awesome, I decided that the best way to say “I love you” was “sauerkraut, spatzle and dunkel weiss.”

So last night, we went here. I found the place after a quick Google search for German restaurants in Chicago. From the outside, it totally looks like a hole in the wall, which in our view, is one of the best compliments we can bestow upon a restaurant. In general, unassuming exterior = amazing interior. This assumption is even more pronounced in bars. The more it looks like a dive, the better the bar. In fact, our favorite bar fits this profile. It’s within stumbling distance of our apartment (which is a major plus), and it’s connected to and owned by the liquor store next door. So, when the bar runs out of Red Stripe, they just go next door and grab a new case out of the cooler. But the best part is, just about everything they serve is $2. On more than one occasion, we’ve spent a few hours at this bar, gotten fairly blitz, and left paying less than 20 bucks.

Anyway, back to Bavaria. The restaurant’s hole-in-the-wall exterior did not disappoint. Inside we found great food, great décor and great beer. I entered with a serious craving for German food that only an unpronounceable pork dish could satisfy. I found it in their Jaegerpfandl. Yum.

While at dinner, Chris and I realized that neither of us grew up eating German food. In fact, I can’t think of one kid I knew growing up that ever had “German night.” Like, there was always “Italian night” or “Mexican night” and definitely “pizza night.” But no “German night.” So, in the spirit of planning my children’s futures before they’ve even been conceived, I’ve decided that I need to learn how to cook German food. The schnitzles, the sauerbratens, the strudels. If any of you out there have some good German recipes, please pass them along. Future generations will thank you, or, Künftig Generationen Wille danke.

Progress Report

Last October, I made an early New-Year’s-Resolutions list. Now that it's December, I thought I’d assess how I did. Overall, pretty bad on the important stuff, OK elsewhere. Let’s take a look.

To Do in 2007:

1. Start freelancing.
Totally didn’t happen. Not even remotely. This resolution did push me toward setting up my own Web site though, which ultimately helped me land a new job, so let’s just say I broke even.

2. Keep working out. (Number of times I’ve been to the gym since saying “I Do” – zero.)
This area tends to come and go. I’ll get all gung-ho and work out a ton. Then I’ll take six weeks off.

3. Eat more vegetables. Except asparagus, because no matter how many different ways Chris prepares it, even served cold in an awesome strawberry salad, asparagus is still gross. Sorry.
I’m still having trouble seeing beyond carrots, broccoli, green peppers, lettuce and veggies not covered in cheese. Does hummus count?

4. Speaking of eating, try to go out to some new restaurants other the same two every month.
Done and done. Some of my favorites from the past year include Coco Pazzo, Carnivale, Think, Spring, Le Lan, Ras Dashen and Nobu (Las Vegas). Unfortunately, I didn’t pay much attention to item No. 5

5. However, don’t blow a bunch of cash on dining out, either. Save money and put it into…
I didn’t save squat or….

6. A condo fund. Start one so you can buy one someday.
Start squat.

7. Do something musical. Take out your trumpet and join a municipal band, or buy an electronic piano. Music used to be your one constant in life. So don’t forget your roots.
My new apartment came with a piano. However, I don’t play nearly enough.

8. Speaking of your roots, try to go to church more often. Yeah, the Protestants might not totally jive with your current lifestyle, but it’s nice to believe in something, even if you don’t agree with everything.
Didn’t happen. Motivating myself to try new things on Sunday mornings is difficult, apparently even when my eternal salvation in on the line.

9. Spend more time with the baby.
I sort of did this one. Rosie went on vacation with us to Michigan (which, for Rosie, included three sun-filled days swimming in Lake Michigan, running up and down the beach, and attempting to chase kayaks and speedboats) Missouri and North Carolina (which included a stop at a national park in Kentucky just to take her hiking), and we took her to the dog beach a few times. But overall, our quality Rosie time has taken a major hit since we moved to a place featuring a back yard. She used to get two to three walks a day. Now we just let her out the back door intermittently throughout the morning and night. So, although she gets some exercise patrolling the back yard, we now spend less time with her. Before we moved, I used to think that she got so excited when we came home because she needed to go out. But now I’ve realized that she also was excited to see us. The first few times we let her out in the new backyard, she would just stand at the door looking at us, all “Hey, aren’t you coming with?” If there was such as a thing as doggie DCFS, they would totally be knocking on our door.

10. Start baking bread because it makes the husband happy.
Totally did this one. But I’ve cut back because the ingredients are more expensive than a loaf.

11. Be more social. Make new friends but keep the old, and all that.
This one also falls into the “sorta” category. By getting a new job, my former co-workers are now friends. But outside of work, I still really struggle to be social.

12. Lose weight.
Since the beginning of 2007, I’ve gained two pounds. See No. 4.

13. Pay off credit card debt.
I’ve paid off 40 percent of my debt. But considering my salary has increased by 60 percent over the past year, that’s not so good. See No. 4.

According to last year's list, I posted the resolutions here so you all could kick my ass in case I slacked off. Seeing as how I haven't had a good ass kicking in a while ... this is all your fault. Geez, no wonder I quit blogging for a few months: you people suck.

*** um, totally kidding. I love you all. Especially You, sitting at your computer, thinking about how much time you've just wasted at work by reading my blog. And You, dude who accidentally found my blog by Googling "doggie DCFS." I totally love you, too. In fact, I'm adding "expressing my love for random weirdos online" to my 2008 resolution list.

Sarah’s Sexiest Men Alive

I’m a day late with this, but look at all the hotness I’ve compiled! Totally worth it.

So, I think this list requires a little disclaimer. My tastes are a bit different than conventional. I’m much more attracted to personality than looks. And I don’t mean to come across all, “I shall see your Brad Pitt and raise you a Holden Caulfield because I’m so freaking deep and self-actualized that sometimes I just spend hours lying in a grass field during rain storms writing in my journal about my deepness until the rain soaks through the paper and the ink bleeds and then I realize that journal writing outside in the rain probably wasn’t a good idea. But you know what, fuck you. I’m deep.”

No, what I mean is, actors in general play so many different roles that it’s impossible to be attracted to all their personalities. Hence, you’ll find a few characters on this list, as opposed to actors. And you’ll find a lot of talk show hosts because, well, I’d like to assume that their quirky personalities isn’t the result of acting, but how they are ALL THE TIME. Like if I ran into one in the grocery store, they would flirt with me, ask me tons of questions about myself and occasionally make self-deprecating yet adorable jokes about themselves.

Which leads me to my first list entry, who is the master of adorable self-deprecating humor: Conan O’Brien.


He has a hilarious talk show, he used to be a writer for SNL and The Simpsons, he’s really tall, and he occasionally gets to hang out with a masturbating bear. In other words, he’s pretty much to perfect man.

In keeping with the talk-show theme, we have Jimmy Kimmel, circa “Win Ben Stein’s Money.”


These were the good years for Jimmy, before the degrading yet sometimes funny “The Man Show” and before starting his own talk show, which I rarely can get through. But back during his Ben Stein days, he was cute, funny and cruel to nerdy contestants. No wonder Sarah Silverman fell for him (who, by the way, would be on Chris’ sexiest women alive list if he were to make one, along with Maya Rudolf, Amy Poehler, Sweet Dee from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” and Natalie Portman. This is why I married him).

Taking it old skool, there’s Anthony Kiedis, circa Blood Sugar Sex Magik. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a good photo of him back in the day, with his beautiful mane of hair, so we’ll have to settle for this blondie pic, which is pretty cute, too.


I used to have the “Fright Like a Brave’ poster on my ceiling in high school. That would be the poster that features the Peppers in nothing but socks. My room was at the top of the stairs in my parents’ house, so coming up the stairs, the first thing you’d see was that poster. Combined with my GnR posters and giant Trent Reznor poster next to my antique dresser, I’m amazed when I of all the stuff my parents had to deal with back in the day. But hey, at least I got good grades.

Going back to the ’80s, we have two of the sexiest characters of all time: Kevin Dolenz (Andrew McCarthy) in “St. Elmo’s Fire,” and Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack) in “Say Anything.”



Both of these choices require very little explanation. Kevin Dolenz was a lovelorn journalist with a coffin in his apartment. Dreamboat! And Lloyd Dobler was … Lloyd Dobler. If you don’t understand, you have no heart. Or a brain. Or my friendship. Go away.

In keeping with the “character = totally hot, actor = eh, sometimes” theme, there’s Chandler Bing during the could-Matthew-Perry-BE-any-more-addicted-to-drugs? years. Sorry folks, he was just so much cuter before he got all pudgy and sober.


The final two on my list are of the talk-show-host variety. First, there’s Anthony Bourdain.


This one took a little while to ferment for me. I was quite intrigued after listening to “Kitchen Confidential,” but it wasn’t until a recent episode of “No Reservations” when I found myself incredibly jealous of his Korean female tour guide that I realized I had a thing for Bourdain.

And finally, there’s Hal Sparks circa Talk Soup.


Before his days on “Queer as Folk,” Hal Sparks kept me company the summer I was home recuperating in college. Everyday, via Talk Soup, Hal would come into my living room, entertain me, make me laugh, and show me only the best, most deplorable moments of Ricki Lake and Jerry Springer so I didn’t actually have to watch them myself. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

It's blog, it's blog, it's better than bad, it's good!

I really need to start blogging again. I've been writing them in my head, but just can't seem to find the time to put them to keyboard.

There's that, and then the problem of trying to figure out where to begin. I've done a lot over the past few months. There was the whole moving thing. Then the party. Then getting a new job. And going to Vegas. And let's not forget the in-law's-dog-eating-our-couch incident, and most recently the road trips to Columbia and North Carolina and flights to New York and Philly, and then our upcoming trip to Aruba. And oh yeah, Mizzou's No. 1. Holy crap.

So much stuff going on. But I think I'm going to start with the really important stuff: People's Sexiest Man Alive rankings. I whole-heartedly agree with their top spot (Oh Jason Bourne, er Matt Damon, so forgetful, so dreamy...), but there are many, many others that People has unjustly ignored over the years. I shall compile my own list. Tomorrow. I've got plans tonight that include a former co-worker, Mahi Mahi and a case of beer.

Official News

Within the next two weeks, I will:

Visit Las Vegas
Celebrate my first anniversary
Start a new job

So, I'm pretty darn excited about life right now. I'll post about the details of the new job and the Vegas trip one of these days. In the meantime, check out two of my favorite (and quite belated) photos from the Cinco de Mayo party:

Uncle Gerry, the one and only Pat Smillie and my dad show the effects of tequila

Jack is not amused