It all comes down to the shoes

Remember how I said I can’t stand people who shop too much? Remember how I always act like I’m above all that? Remember how I’m a huge hypocrite? Oh good.

I made the mistake of eating lunch at Nordstrom’s today. And now, my heart is full of longing. I want new shoes. And not just one pair. I want a whole new army of colorful spongy-soled soldiers. But I swear, there’s a good reason for it.

Here’s the deal: Because of my foot problems, I can’t wear heels or sandals. In fact, unless I’m wearing sneakers, my little stubs are in pain. Unfortunately, I have this job where I’m supposed to look somewhat professional. And doubly unfortunate, I work on Michigan Avenue, a hub of high fashion.

I would love to wear super-chic professional-women’s clothing to work every day. But the problem is clothing retailers assume that 1) all women are at least 5’10, and 2) all women wear heels with dress pants. I am 5’3, and I like to wear Nikes everyday. Yes, I can buy petite clothing, but even those designs are usually somewhat flared at the bottom, and flared pants and size-5 flats just look bad together.

So, because comfy shoes look awful with dress pants, and because flats look yucky with skirts, and because my office has a relaxed dress code, I wear sneakers with either jeans or khakis to work everyday. And I look like a total slob.

I own lots of nice business clothing, stuff that would help me sort of blend in with all the beautiful people on Michigan Avenue. But it all comes down to the shoes. I don’t own any comfortable shoes that also look good with business clothing, so my pretty business clothes live in my closet and never get to come out and play.

However, I could own somewhat-professional-looking-yet-comfy shoes. Flats are in right now. Just look at the cuteness I found at Nordstrom’s today:






There were tons more, too. Did you see how cute?! I want them all … now! I totally can’t afford them, but I’m scared that if I wait until I can afford new shoes (like, in four years), flats won’t be in style anymore and when I finally go to the store to buy new shoes, all that will be available will be stiletto heels and flip flops.

Chris, honey, if you’re reading this: Look, I know we’re broke, and I know we have a wedding and honeymoon to pay for, and I know we like to think we’re above all those other materialistic people out there, but dammit! I want to blow a couple hundred bucks on new shoes! You don’t understand. New shoes will make my life better.

Seriously, new shoes will affect what clothing I can wear, which will affect my outward appearance as well as my self esteem. And then, before you know it, those new shoes will get me a promotion. Those new shoes will help me bring in a fatter paycheck, which I will use to buy more new magical shoes. Really, we should look at shoe purchases as an investment in our future, not as a frivolous expense.

Let’s make a deal. I get to buy new shoes, and you can buy non-generic tequila. No more Osco-brand for you! I’m talking Cuervo, or maybe even 1800, but let’s not go too crazy here.